Thursday, May 3, 2012

Craptastic Episode #1: KitchenAid Crap Can Openers

Faithful readers of this blog (that joke never gets old) will have noticed that I haven't blogged for a while.  Well, I've been busy.  Very busy.  Unspeakably busy.  I am tired.  I am weary.  I am grumpy.  However, I am also strong.  I am beat, but not beaten.  I am bent, but not broken.  I am shaken, but not stirred.
Best Bond Ever
The good thing about a gruelling workload and complete exhaustion is that it makes you want to tell other people how miserable you feel.  What better time then to unleash some hate on a piece of crap that nobody should ever buy?
KitchenAid Can Opener Crap
Yes, I'm talking about a can opener.  A KitchenAid can opener.  A Kitchenaid can opener that is a piece of crap.  I'm an engineer and I don't think it would really be that hard to make a good can opener.  And you know why?  Because I know how diamonds work.  A diamond is (almost) the hardest substance known to man.  And everybody knows that a diamond can put a scratch in just about anything because it is harder than just about anything.  So things don't scratch diamonds.  Diamonds scratch things.

It is that simple.  If you want to cut something like, oh I don't know, a can... you need to make something like, oh I don't know, a can opener... that is made out of stuff that is harder than the can.  This isn't rocket science.  But this seems to be beyond the comprehension of the incompetent designers at KitchenAid.  My lovely wife bought this can opener a couple years ago for $15 bucks.  Big handles, beefy looking construction... what is not to like?  What is not to like is the "unable to open cans" part.  Look at this.
Looks OK?
So what is the problem, you ask?  Take a little closer look.
Look Again.  Craptastic!
See how the gear that is supposed to grip the can is a mashed up mess?  That is the top minds at KitchenAid not understanding how diamonds work.  Because whatever this gear is made out of, it isn't harder than the tin can it is cutting through.  Instead of the can taking the damage, the gear does.  I sent this KitchenAid Crap Can Opener off to where I'm sure a few million other KitchenAid Crap Can Openers can be found.
One Man's Garbage Is Also Another Man's Garbage
You know, it occurs to me now that maybe the folks in KitchenAid's Can Opener division aren't really incompetent.  Maybe they think this is a brilliant planned obsolescence idea.  Maybe they think that people will just roll over and spend $15 bucks on a brand new KitchenAid Crap Can Opener every couple years.  Maybe.  But in this day and age of the Internet and the ability of people to spread the news of what they've learned, that shouldn't happen.  So screw you, KitchenAid Crap Can Opener Division.

We can't be can-openerless in this day and age.  After some research (and I research everything now), My Lovely Wife and I decided on this bad boy.
Meet The New Boss...
Meet the Nogent Super Kim Can Opener from the fine folks at Lee Valley.  The blade is made of tempered carbon steel, and it works (so far) like a damn.  It is great in that it doesn't leave that sharp little sliver just as you finish cutting the can through like every other can opener seems to do. It has a very smooth mechanism, does not leave a sharp edge, and takes up very little space in the drawer.  However, rest assured.  If this thing craps out in a couple years, you'll hear about it.

This wraps up the first Public Service Announcement from Mad Scientist Labs.  There will be more.


  1. I am super disappointed in my Kitchenaid can opener. For the first week or two it was like butter. I sang it's praises. But now the gears just sit there and don't turn. During the honeymoon phase, I got my mom one as well and now hers doesn't work either. How stupid is that? $14.99 a pop. What a waste of money. I think I may try your recommendation for the Nogent.

    1. The Nogent hasn't skipped a beat since we got it last spring. Highly recommended.

  2. Agree with your assessment of the kitchenaid being craptastic. Unfortunately, the Nugent Super Kim is no longer available! Sigh, guess I am on my own!

  3. we thought buying an expensive Kitchen Aid can opener would guarantee quality, not so much. Wish we had seen this article before.

  4. Same here, I just complained on-line to the Kitchenaid customer service. I bought it on sale, I thought it was me, I just needed to figure out how to use it. Then my husband came home with another brand and whammo it worked right away, I didn't need to wine and dine it. Stupid can opener. Nice bit of landfill.

  5. Pampered Chef also sells a durable can opener that doesn't leave sharp edges. A bit pricey, but theoretically a one-time purchase. ..

  6. Pampered Chef also sells a durable can opener that doesn't leave sharp edges. A bit pricey, but theoretically a one-time purchase. ..

  7. Just spent 20 minutes filing and bending my kitchen aid piece of shit, it works again, for how long who knows. All I know is I will never buy another one!

    1. I think Craptastic is on to the problem. I think it has to do with the superior quality of the scrap steel that America and Canada is sending to China to be made into new food quality steel. The north American can companies should make sure the Chinese steel they purchase for their cans is made from recycled Russian steel thus ensuring that the can will always be softer than the can opener,,,, in my honest opinion

  8. Looking to buy a can opener of this design.
    Won't bother with Kitchenaid, as they seem to make their gears out of plastic.

    Lots of ads say the cutting wheel is made out of durable steel, but haven't seen one that says that the gears are made to last.

    Anyone found a reliable brand?